The Miracle Diet

I’ve officially gotten sucked into the presidential race. I think that with only a handful of candidates left, it’s easier to assess where each one stands on the issues that are important to me. Which, as you might guess, aren’t always the same issues that everyone is talking about on the news.

To me, our president’s main job is as a symbol of the American populace. He has a bunch of advisors to tell him or her what to do regarding policy. So basically, I’d just like to have a president who represents the American people well. I’d like him or her to be charismatic and sound intelligent. And I’d like it if he or she didn’t piss a lot of people off when they said things.

We have a lot of work to do to repair our image in the eyes of the rest of the world. It seems like they regard us as lazy, fat, and stupid by comparison. Well never fear, because today I was squeezing into a pair of jeans, and I thought of the easiest, simplest way to fix this problem.

See, the problem isn’t me, and the fact that I’ve gotten fatter. The problem is the pants. I could totally still fit in the same size pants I wore in high school if those size pants were just a little bigger!

Let me be a little more specific. The problem lies at the Bureau of Standards, where we need to think about updating our units to the 21st century. The trouble isn’t that Americans are fat, it’s that our inch is too short. We take inflation into account when it comes to things like the economy, why shouldn’t this principle apply also to our measurements?

And here’s the beauty part: nobody has to know! We’ve been refusing to adopt the metric system for a reason, people. We can make our inch just a little bit longer, our pound a little heavier, but keep all the conversions the same. This way, by our English System units, we will slim down, while the rest of the world stays exactly the same. This means an immediate boost to our national reputation! And without any extra effort on the part of our people.

Well hopefully our next president and his or her advisors will take this idea into consideration. Because really there are very few drawbacks that I can think of. Just guys, when you’re measuring your “length” use the centimeter side.

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