Recently I bought a 12 pack of Quilted Northern “bathroom tissue”.. that’s the euphemized term on the package. Does anyone besides the companies themselves actually call it bathroom tissue? It’s toilet paper.

Quilted Northern did nothing to refute this strange observation I made over the summer. You see, my mom has always been a big Charmin person, because she insists that after years of careful research she had determined it to be the softest. So I had very little exposure to anything but Charmin until recently.

This summer, my dad brought home a big Economy Pak of this stuff called White Cloud. The strange and disturbing observation I made was that Charmin and White Cloud, and now Quilted Northern and possibly others too, all have one thing in common: on the front of the packaging, there is a picture of a baby.

Now I ask you this: what does a baby have to do with me WIPING MY ASS??

The only viable explanation I have come up with so far is that toilet paper is made out of babies.