It’s not too late.
Sorry guys, it’s just that I had a little bit of a freak-out moment there. I thought that maybe I had accidentally slept for about 50 hours and missed a couple of entire days. I have stuff to do this weekend, too: I’m supposed to be going up to Vail tomorrow to spend the weekend there with my mom and brother, and so missing a few days would have obviously thrown a big fat old wrench into those plans, grinding them to a rusty halt so that I’d have to call a mechanic just to get them working again, and yes, he would eventually find that it was just a wrench in the works, but by that time it would of course be too late. The damage has already been done, we are thousands of units behind, and it’s all your fault, you lousy wrench thrower, you!
In any case, I’ve now confirmed that it is indeed still only the 2nd day of July. If you must know what it is that confused me, well then I’ll tell you right now. There have been fireworks going off around my house all day long. Now see, it is my understanding that in America, the custom is to celebrate our Independence Day by blowing crap up. Just so we’re clear, I’m not claiming to understand why this is the custom, but it is. The thing that caused me problems is that our Independence Day falls on the 4th of July, and not a day earlier. The reason I’m sure I’m remembering the correct day is that a majority of Americans can’t be bothered to remember all the syllables in the word “Independence,” and so instead refer to the holiday itself as the “4th of July.”
So I guess what I’m wondering now is, why are there fireworks going off now if it’s not even the right day? My first thought is that maybe my neighbors have just forgotten which day that they were meant to be set off; but as I mentioned before, if they are true Americans they’d probably sooner forget the day on which the Anniversary of September 11th falls. My next thought is that maybe they’re foreign; but no, the greater Boulder area is about as ethnically diverse as a yodeling festival. Maybe they are in fact so patriotic that one day just isn’t enough time to express just how much they love their country? Maybe. Or maybe fireworks are just so mind-bendingly awesome that they don’t care that it isn’t the right day yet.
Ah the firework. Nothing more embodies the greatness that is America. What other country could boast consumers that would drive miles and miles across desert wasteland to a place like Wisconsin just to spend hundreds of dollars on something so utterly, utterly useless? I mean let’s really examine what a firework does. You light it, and then it blows up. Once. That’s all. Don’t get me wrong now, I suffer from the same innate pyromania as does the next person, but come on. They’re seriously not that cool, you guys. And guess what? If you really really must see something blowing up on the 4th then there are countless free shows all over the country where they blow up things that are infinitely cooler-looking than anything you could possibly get your hands on, no matter how much you’re willing to spend. And if that’s not enough to satiate your hunger for pyrotechnics, then you can always put CDs and coffee-stirrers in your microwave when you get home to save some money.
All I’m asking for, in these times of instant gratification, is a little patience. People are forgetting that anticipation is an important part of the holiday dynamic. If fireworks are really enough to cause you and your ritalin-blooded monsterettes to cream your collective pants, then just think about how much more your family will enjoy them if you all wait just a few more days until such time as you are meant to see and enjoy them. This is how you create events, one-time experiences that live on in memory. This is how your holidays can be special.
Oh yeah also, fireworks were invented by the Chinese. So if you buy them, you’re a damn Communist and you’re helping them buy up our oil companies. The Red Menace lives again! Calibrate your nukes! Wanna see a REALLY big explosion??? Go America!!!!!!